Wow. It's not just with exercises or diet… It's with every part of my life except my work. I don't complete projects. I bring things up to a okay level and then I leave them. Jars with yucky food in them for over a week. Two boxes of stuff to return still sitting on my table. Starting to clean out and organize my desk and then leaving lots of junk on top of it. I can hear a little bit of criticism coming through but that's not my point. This is really loving care towards myself. For the first time in my life I see the pattern based on It's Pointless and how it affects my entire life. Every aspect. Brush my teeth often, but not every day. Heal injuries enough and just get along with how it is.
Wow. This pattern is everywhere in my life. I wonder if this new understanding will support me in approaching projects differently. Another factor has been lack of energy. So it's not like this revelation will result in everything in my life having a sense of completion. I feel sad, almost tears. I WANT IT ALL. AND MY THROAT IS FEELING LIKE IT MIGHT GET SICK. I don't want that and my next step will be to figure out a strategy for health.
So I'd like to define the areas of my life that are important and where things are not finished. Then I want to identify the topics. Some things I will bring to a certain place set them aside for later. The most important things will become projects I attend to regularly and complete or make progress on as is appropriate.
I reported that I did not do the things I committed to last week, or did very little. As Kyla was brainstorming about the resistance, and I was talking, she said it's pointless. My whole body resonated with this. I realized that this is from my childhood. It's pointless to try to get my needs met. It's pointless to go for what I want. It's pointless, I won't get what I want. It's pointless, I won't get the comfort I need the attachment I long for. It's pointless, love is not dependable and sometimes doesn't happen. So why go after it?
The tears start to come. How I ached to have the connection and attachment that every child needs, that every child yearns for. And yet I pushed it down so far that I got myself to believe I did need it. I remember thinking in college that going out to movie by myself is just as good as going with a friend. NOT TRUE.
It's POINTLESS. IT'S POINTLESS TO GO AFTER I WANT. I WILL NEVER GET IT.
Or as Mark puts it, I have this belief/unconscious pattern that I will not get my needs met. But putting it that way did not provide the same insight as "It's Pointless." Also, this was in a different context. I was talking about riding my bike and not intimacy.
That was my survival intention. It protected me from trying and getting hurt. It was just to to painful. Wow. I want to sit with this some more, but perhaps not right now.
I am playing around with a new core intention. Perhaps, I can have what I want. But that's not quite it because there are other forces in the world besides my actions and what I want. I have the power to create what I want. I have the power to create what I need. There are many ways to get to what I need and I have the power to create the best way for me. Which might be a combination of getting stronger and having help. I want to get to a place where I don't need help. But perhaps I won't get there, at least not everywhere.
I have the power to create the best way for me to meet my needs. And that gives me choice as to which thing is I leave as they are, which things I work on improving, and which things I want to change a lot.
Hurray. I love all of you and you love me. Laurel